


Found

by CelebrateTheFreedom



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst with a Happy Ending, Fluff and Angst, Healthy Relationships, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicide Attempt, Talking, Treebros
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-01
Updated: 2019-03-01
Packaged: 2019-11-07 18:45:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17966021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CelebrateTheFreedom/pseuds/CelebrateTheFreedom
Summary: SOULMATE AU-Here’s the thing: everyone was born with a soulmate. History said that humans are born on the same tune. They are bound to find each other. It’s their destiny. You can call it what you want. Some say only religious people believed in this kind of thing. Connor had never considered himself to be quite religious. However, he couldn’t deny that it was a nice thought that someone out there was born to understand and love him, just like he was born to understand and love this person.





	Found

**Author's Note:**

> TRIGGER WARNING: They talk about suicide, depression and these things. Please stay safe and don't read it if you're not sure if it will affect you. However, they work things out and it is generally positive in the sense of seeking help and trying to get better. 
> 
> There are no graphic descriptions.

Here’s the thing: everyone was born with a soulmate. History said that humans are born on the same tune. They are bound to find each other. It’s their destiny. You can call it what you want. Some say only religious people believed in this kind of thing. Connor had never considered himself to be quite religious. However, he couldn’t deny that it was a nice thought that someone out there was born to understand and love him, just like he was born to understand and love this person.

The problem is that he never, not even once, he felt his connection reciprocated. He never felt like there was somebody out there for him. People always said that you could feel a pull towards your “one”. He felt nothing and it started to eat at him. It started slowly, then the conflicts at home got worse. The bullying got worse. His rage got worse. Until his life was complete and utter shit. Every day he pondered if it was even worth it being alive.

In true honesty he was depressed. He had been depressed for a long time now. He couldn’t recall feeling anything other than this deep despair. At first, he thought it was because of his soulmate. But he knew he couldn’t blame anyone other than himself.

He started feeling the connection in freshman year. He was casually walking to class and felt his chest tighten. It wasn’t like he was the one feeling that, it was odd, alien. It was what his person was feeling being mirrored on him. It wasn’t pleasant but Connor felt so much hope that day.

He remembers thinking that finally, finally someone would listen to him, understand him and hold him when he felt like he was going to fall apart. But, then, days passed and no one seemed to be feeling the same. Nobody approached him. Months went by before he realized no one would be coming to get him.

Not even his soulmate wanted him. Who would want to be associated with the weirdly aggressive Murphy? People literally laughed at him on his face on a daily basis. Who would want to go through that? No one. Not even him. Not even his soulmate.

It wasn’t the root of his problems but it did increase his self-hatred. The voice in his head getting meaner and meaner with the passing days, months and eventually years. It’s his first day of senior year and he couldn’t wait for it to end. He wasn’t sure he would make it through one more year.

Connor Murphy is afraid. A fucking coward. He was afraid of the future and afraid that things could get even worse then they were now. He wasn’t exactly an awesome student, but he certainly was much better than anyone would expect. His teachers always eyed him down and had that distrust when his assignments and tests came back with B’s and A’s. It made him want to punch something. It made him want to cry. He certainly did both and neither really helped.

He got to school that morning and instantly felt his connection. It sometimes grounded him, but most of the time it just hurt. A reassurance that he wasn’t wanted or needed. He took a deep breath and heard a stupid joke about him. It made him angry, like usual, so he pushed a kid onto the lockers and called him a freak. He realized he shouldn’t have done that as soon as the word left his mouth. It was just another thing on his pile of regrets. He kept his head down and headed to his class.

By the end of the day, he wanted to cry, punch something, scream and die. He wanted to die. He gulped at the thought. Weirdly this thought felt much more real and doable than before. He shook his head and started to look for the kid he pushed this morning to apologize. It was Evan Hansen and Connor found him in the lab printing something.

Somehow what was supposed to be an apology ended up with his signature on the guy’s cast and an angry outburst at the letter that had been printed. He stormed out of there with the letter in his pocket and a heavy feeling in his heart. He tried to breathe through his nose but it didn’t really work, his breathing was coming in pants and he felt out of breath. He parked his car in the garage and proceeded to cry his heart out for no reason and for everything he had ever felt. He made a decision in that car. He wasn’t proud of that. He wasn’t proud of any of it, but hopefully, he wouldn’t have to worry about it for much longer.  
-

Evan was feeling restless after school, it was like he was suffocating by staying home. His anxiety usually made him want to stay in because his house - his room - was his safe space. It was where there weren’t expectations, any pressure to be anything other than exactly who he was (even his dark side and broken pieces).

He couldn’t breathe. It was like there was a rope wrapped around his middle pushing him outside. He was shaking and his breath was coming in quick pants. He wrote a note to his mom that he would take a walk, pocketed his phone and wallet and got out of the house. He started walking and with each step, he felt himself getting calmer and calmer. He was taking deep breaths and let his feet take him wherever they wanted.

The weird thing was that the further he got from his house and headed south it was like a voice inside was saying “Good job, keep walking, almost there”. His inner voice had never ever said anything positive about his actions. At least not when he felt this anxious. He didn’t know where this “there” was, but it felt like his only mission in life was to get to this place.

He arrived in a park not too far from his house, he had only been walking for fifteen minutes or so. He felt that pull again as soon as his feet touched the grass. He knew where to go, he knew where to look. He didn’t know why or what he would find but it wasn’t an option not to do it now. It would drive him crazy and just the thought of turning his back to the park made his heart race.

It hadn’t been a good day. It hardly ever was a good day. But today Connor Murphy had pushed him into the lockers and when he tried to apologize he saw the letter Evan wrote. Connor thought it was a prank and now Evan didn’t have the letter he was supposed to give to his therapist. It made his insides turn and he felt nauseous just thinking Connor could show his letter to the whole school to mock him instead, even if Connor didn’t seem the kind, Evan couldn’t convince his anxiety of it.

However, what made him get out of his house had nothing to do with that. He was starting to think it might be his soulmate calling to him. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, though. It had been frustrating and degrading not feeling anything up until now. He felt out of place and rejected, and these feelings made him lie. If someone asked he said they weren’t from here and as soon as he could he’d go after them. He couldn’t tell if he had ever felt his soulmate. Maybe even fate and the universe agreed he didn’t deserve someone to love him. His therapist said these were intrusive thoughts and didn’t hold any truth. They weren’t facts and therefore Evan shouldn’t believe it. It was so much easier said than done.

His mind wandered for a bit and he found himself walking through the trees, he had flashbacks of falling. He took a deep breath to steady himself. Turning right and then left. There was someone sitting behind that tree. He saw a peek of brown hair and pale skin. He did what he would never do. He made himself seen. He went around the tree until he was facing whoever was there. He felt the tug in his chest and he was almost sure it wasn’t just a simple burst of anxiety as he usually explained it as.

He had felt that before he reckoned now. It was like seeing for the first time. It was like the first breath you take after being underwater. He didn’t know how he had been so stupid. His soulmate had been right there all this time. He spent hours, days even weeks agonizing over something he already had in true Evan Hansen fashion.

“Hey,” Evan said awkwardly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other.

“Uh?” Connor looked up startled, closing his right hand quickly and hiding something in it. “What’re you doing here, Hansen?”

“I- uh-“ Evan could just tell the truth that he felt like if he didn’t come to this park right now his heart might burst out of his chest or stop altogether. “I just- I’m uh- I need my letter,” he finally said.

“Letter?” Connor sounded both confused and annoyed like he was interrupted doing something important. “Oh, right, the letter.”

Connor reached for the letter on his pocket and quickly found it. Evan’s heart was pounding, he would be expected to leave soon and he felt like he couldn’t take one step away from this boy right now.

Connor handed him his letter and looked at him as if he was already supposed to be gone. “So…?” He said after it was clear Evan wasn’t making any move to go away.

“I thought- maybe we- well, it might be a good idea…” Evan wasn’t getting anywhere with it so he cleared his throat to try again. “You read the letter, right?”

Connor nodded and rolled his eyes slightly. “Yeah, what about it?”

Evan took a deep breath. “It’s just- I think I- I think we should discuss it.” He didn’t want to discuss it. At all. In any degree. Neither with his therapist nor with Connor. But it seemed like it might be the only thing that could excuse his staying other than saying ‘I don’t think I can physically make myself walk away from you in this very moment.’

Connor raised an eyebrow, “then you’ll leave?”

“Then I’ll leave,” Evan parroted. Connor patted the shot next to him on the grass and Evan sat down. It seemed that he couldn’t walk away but moving closer was no problem at all, it made him wonder why.

“Okay,” Evan said more to himself than to Connor. He sat down close to the other boy, shoulders brushing against each other. “You said you read it, what did you think about it?”

“It’s sad, Hansen.” I feel the same way, Connor completed in his mind.

Evan chuckled awkwardly, feeling exposed. “I guess it is.”

There was an awkward pause. Connor pondered that if he was going to do what he was about to do seconds before this dude appeared out of nowhere, he might as well talk. Let it all out.

“I thought you were mocking me because it’s what I feel, too.”

“Oh, that’s- that’s not how I thought this would go.”

Connor chuckled and lowered his head looking at the grass in front of them.

“It’s weird to know somebody understands.” Evan murmured.

“It makes you feel less alone.” Connor prompted.

“Yeah, life can be hard.”

Connor nodded along Evan’s words. They were silent for a few moments, it didn’t feel awkward at all and it scared them. It was always awkward.

“What happened to your arm?” Connor broke the silence.

“I fell from a tree.” Evan’s voice was so small that it made Connor look at him. The look on his face was guilt and shame, it hit too close for comfort for Connor.

“When?”

“In the middle of summer.”

Connor remembers a day more or less in the middle of summer that he felt he was gonna die, his heart was beating so hard and so fast that he thought he might pass out. He felt so nauseous just a few seconds later and threw up. He never got sick so it stuck with him.

Something clicked inside of him. He turned to face Evan.

“How did you find me?” He was serious and Evan’s eyes were so wide Connor would’ve laughed at him if he wasn’t trying to calm his own erratic heart.

“uh- I just- I was home, you see- I mean actually I was walking- no, it’s just that- my feet brought me here.” He said so quickly and so jumbled that if Connor understood one word he said he’d be impressed.

“Your feet…?” Connor frowned seeming deep in thought.

He suddenly reached out and grabbed Evan’s hand. Evan almost jumped out of his skin by the sudden movement. They both sucked in a breath at the feeling of their hands clasped together.

The feeling, that tug Evan always had in his chest at school since freshman year and that he always assumed was anxiety was much bigger and stronger than he ever felt. It went from his chest to his hand exactly where they were touching.

They locked eyes. Connor felt his throat constricting with the need to cry. It was him. The one he waited for his whole high school years, more like his whole life. Shit. It was him.

Evan was so startled he started blabbering. “But I- I thought it- Connor, I’m so- I thought this was anxiety? I should’ve known! They never explain what it feels like- Was I supposed to figure it out by myself? I’ve never figured anything by myself. Well, that’s not exactly-“ He stopped himself. He was blushing and looking down to avoid eye contact.

Connor tucked on his hand which made him look up. “Is that why you never-?” He let his sentence die. Evan nodded. “But what about your letter talking about my sister?” He sounded confused.

“I like her.”

“Oh,” Connor said as he let go of Evan’s hand as if it burned him.

“No, no- That’s not what- I always mess things up.” Evan cried out and sighed. “I don’t know, Connor, I feel this tightening feeling in my chest when you two fight at school and it’s like I’ve always got something to tell her but it’s never- I don’t know, it’s like the words get stuck and I don’t even know what I’d want to say?” He was rambling again.

Connor was still frowning and Evan felt like he messed up with the one person destiny said he wouldn’t, actually couldn’t. He was a fuck up, even to his soulmate.

“Hey, hey, stop it, it’s okay Evan.” It was the first time he said his name.

“What?”

“You’re freaking out. I think you feel like that because that’s how I feel about my sister. I love her and every time I yell at her - that’s our fights, Evan, you can say that I’m an ass - I feel this regret and I always want to apologize but I don’t know how- It’s- it’s ridiculous really.” Connor said it all in one breath.

“Wow, we are a mess.” Evan sounded impressed and it made Connor laugh. He made his soulmate laugh, damn, it felt good.

“That we are.” Connor agreed.

“I’m sorry for not noticing sooner.”

“I thought you didn’t want to be with me because of the school-shooter stuff.” His voice was getting smaller and smaller.

“I hate it, you know?” Evan said. “It’s so unfair what people say about you, all those rumors, all the nicknames.”

Connor let his hair cover his face slightly as he looked at his lap and sniffed a little. Evan reached out to take one of his hands and Connor looked at him with unshed tears in his eyes. Evan noticed he was holding something in his left hand.

“Connor, what- ?” He started asking and abruptly stopped as he realized it was pills. A handful of them. A fatal dose.

“What’d you have done if I hadn’t shown up?” Evan’s voice wavered, throat constricting.

“I would’ve jumped from a tree.” He said looking right in Evan’s eyes, by now both of them were crying. Tears running down their faces.

“Connor,” He pleaded.

“I- it’s so hard, Evan.” His shoulders were shaking and his voice cracked.

Evan wrapped his arms around Connor and took the pills from his hands putting it on his back pocket so he could flush it down the toilet. He held the brown haired boy close, rubbing his back and eventually he placed a kiss on his temple. Evan’s shirt was a little damp on the shoulder, but Connor had stopped shaking, he was just taking deep breaths now.

Connor let out a big sigh. “This is what I ever wanted you to know?”

“To cry in a park?” Evan was confused.

“To be held.”

They stayed silent for a long time. Evan didn’t let him go not even for a moment. After a few moments of this Connor broke the silence.

“You can’t fix me.”

“I don’t want to,” Evan said simply.

“Oh.”

“Connor-“ Evan was interrupted.

“You don’t- we don’t have to be together,” Connor said pulling away.

“That’s not-“ Evan sighed. “We can’t fix each other, Connor. I want to be with you, but it’s not gonna fix everything in our lives.”

Connor seemed to be thinking about it and nodded his head along Evan’s words.

“Yeah, you’re right I guess. But will you help me talk to my parents?”

“I’ll be right by your side,” They were holding hands again and Evan moved to get up, hoisting Connor up with him.

They walked to Connor’s house slowly, talking about anything to distract them from the dread conversation among them. Evan made Connor laugh when he geeked out about trees and they were surprised that they had so much in common. Connor was pleased that Evan didn’t seem surprised by his intelligence and good grades.

“I knew it,” Evan said with a smirk when Connor mentioned his A in the history test they had earlier that week.

“How’s that?” Connor was genuinely curious.

“The look the teacher gave you was insulting, besides you clenched your jaw and breathed deeply like you were trying not to do something stupid.”

“I always do something stupid.”

“You didn’t that class, that’s something to be proud of.”

Connor was silent for some time after that like he was processing the thought he did the right thing for once.

“I never looked at it that way.”

“It’s hard to be positive about yourself when all you hear is the opposite.”

Connor squeezed Evan’s hand and gave him a shy smile. He wished he could tell him how grateful he was for those words, for the reassurance. They walked the rest of the way in silence, sometimes he would steal looks at Evan only to catch him already looking. The shorter boy was cute, Connor had to admit.

As they got to the doorstep of Connor’s house they stopped. Connor looked down at him, pulled him in by their linked hands and place the other on his cheek.

“Can I kiss you?”

“Yeah,” Evan breathes out and Connor brought their lips together in a soft kiss. They pulled away with small smiles on their faces.

“Thanks,” Connor said before opening the door.

“What for?”

“You found me.”

Evan pulled him in again and kissed him hard this time. Connor arms circled around his waist to keep him in place and kissed him back. By the time they parted, they were breathing heavily and they chuckled.

Connor then opened the door and they got in hand in hand. Zoe was in the living room and was the first to see them. She looked over with a disinterested look in her face which then turned into surprise and her eyes were wide.

“He found you.” She said in awe. Connor looked at Evan with a knowing look.

“He did,” He said softly. “Are they at home?”

“Upstairs,” She said before turning back to watch the movie. “ Oh, welcome to the family Evan.” She completed already looking at the TV.

They went upstairs and found Connor’s parents arguing. They couldn’t really understand what they were saying as they stopped talking abruptly as soon as they spotted them in the room. Larry looked down at their joined hands and gave Connor a look of disdain.

“Can we talk?”

The talk was long and exasperating. Larry stormed out in the middle of it and Cynthia seemed uncomfortable during the whole thing but willing to hear them out and help. Evan guesses she was uncomfortable with him being there because she felt as if she had failed as a mother. It was not like that at all, Evan knew. But also he wasn’t going to point out that the way they’d been treating Connor wasn’t helping. She agreed on him going to a therapist and maybe a psychiatrist so they could talk about maybe taking meds.

It could’ve gone worse, Connor thinks once it’s all over and his mother makes an exit. At least he would be getting the help he needed and with his soulmate by his side, he thought he’d be able to keep pushing through. They went to Connor’s room and sat on the bed. Evan announced he was going to send his mother a text so she knew where he was. Connor nodded and waited for him to finish as he checked his own phone.

“Well,” Evan started and went silent, not really knowing what to say. Connor chuckled and took his shoes off to lay on the bed.

“Stay with me?” Connor said turning on the bed to face Evan. He noticed Connor’s hands shaking as he moved to lay down with him. They were facing each other, not really touching. Evan reaches out to hold Connor’s hand and reassure him things would get better even if he wasn’t sure of that.

The only thing Evan was sure of was that they would work through their personal troubles together. Being together helped. Connor scooted closer and kissed Evan once again.

“I feel like a could kiss you for forever.” He said barely pulling away. He felt more than seen Evan’s smile against his own lips.

Connor felt like things would fall into place eventually. He had never felt anything about his future other than dread. Now he felt hopeful, a little nervous, sure, but hopeful. It was new and exciting. He wasn’t unaware that there would be hard days and bad days and really awful days but he laid on the knowledge that he could go through all of it with Evan by side.

“You can count on me, too,” Connor said, a little startled with the truth in that statement. He wanted to be there for Evan too. He wanted them to be partners, to be the ones they knew that wouldn’t leave.

“Good,” Evan pecked at his lips. “I- uh- I have bad days too, Connor.”

“I want to be there for them all,” Connor whispered at him.

Evan moved to wrap his arms on Connor’s neck. It was a little clumsy as they were still laying down, but as soon as he realized the blonde’s intention, Connor shifted as to make it easier for them to hug. They ended up with Connor laying on his back and Evan splayed on top of him with his tucked into Connor’s neck. He pressed a soft kiss on Connor’s neck and felt a responding kiss on his own neck. He was smiling so much he was half expecting his cheeks to start hurting.

They stayed there for a long time. The world could wait. They were finally found.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> this story was inspired by a Brazilian song called Aqui by Jão it’s cute and if you’re Brazilian or not you should check it out!


End file.
